i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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