she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
