You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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