I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
