be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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