I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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