my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
