A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
