I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
