The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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