I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
