I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
