so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
