franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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