i just had sex bonerless
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
