theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
