Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
