Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
