12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
