Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
