yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
