Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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