perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
