You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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