I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
