So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
