Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
