There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
