she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
