If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
should my penis look like a turkey
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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