I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
