i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
