not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
