I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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