Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
