Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
