We need to rekindle our bromance
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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