I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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