wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
