I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
