Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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