i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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