Pregnant stripper...not hot.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
