I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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