So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
