sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
