conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This baby is an asshole
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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