You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
