It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
