Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Can I color on your dick again?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Damn victory sex feels great
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
