I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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