i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
