haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Last time i carry you out of a forest
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
